As I look back on the journey of my life, I can’t help but reflect on the profound impact two pivotal figures have had on me: my father and my wife. Their influences have shaped my worldview, belief systems and values through distinct phases of my life. As I introspect these phases now, I gain a deeper understanding of myself and understand how I have evolved over the years.
Phase 1: The Foundation
This phase lasted for the first 25 years of my life. It was a phase that was heavily influenced by my father. He was the primary architect of my beliefs and values and these systems laid the groundwork for my understanding of the world.
When I was a kid, I have fond memories of my father taking me on long walks. During those walks, he would tell me stories – simple yet meaningful tales about life, values and the world around us. He always gave me an ice-cream and as I happily ate it, he would continue talking and I would mostly listen, occasionally asking questions about things that puzzled me.
To me he was my hero, someone who seemed to have all the answers. In my eyes, there was nothing in the world he couldn’t explain or solve. For me the main highlight of those walks was the ice-cream but looking back now, I realize how much those conversations influenced my young mind.
I’ll try to summarize my father’s influences on me as follows:
- Strong beliefs and commitments: He instilled in me the value of being firm in my beliefs and valuing my commitments. He emphasized the importance of staying true to your words, regardless of changing circumstances.
- Empathy and selflessness: He taught me to value others’ opinions even if I do not agree with them. This was backed by a strong belief of always putting others’ needs before my own and that helping selflessly would ultimately bring positive outcomes in the long run.
- Prioritizing emotions and relationships: Emotions, according to him were the building blocks of relationships and he believed in being good to others, even if they hurt us. When it came to decision making he would prefer to do the good thing over the right thing. He would always tell me to listen to my heart as he believed our heart knows the answers to what we really want to do to lead a happy and content life.
- A sense of right and wrong: He had a binary view of right and wrong. Things can either be right or wrong, there was no mid way. He would explicitly tell me what is the right thing to do and what is not. For instance, he firmly stated that smoking and drinking were entirely wrong, and to this day, I still hold on to the absoluteness of that belief.
Now, as I reflect on these values, I can see their limitations. This way of thinking was quite rigid, emphasizing the importance of sticking to a single path and overcoming any challenges that arose. This thought process disregarded the possibility of exploring alternative paths by considering changing circumstances. There was no gray area, everything was seen as either black or white. Standing by your word was valued above everything else, even more than your personal well-being These were the values that I stood by for the first 25 years of my life.
Phase 2: The Transition
The next five years of my life from 25 to 30 were marked by a strong sense of cognitive dissonance as I navigated the intersection of my father’s teachings and my then-girlfriend’s (now wife) perspectives.
This was a period when I grappled with reconciling the rigid principles instilled in me by my father with the more fluid and adaptive approach that my wife followed. Her perspectives had a big influence on my life.
We were both young and as we led our lives and chose our paths I started realizing that her approach was distinct than mine. Until then, in my mind, my way of life was the only right way of life. Over this 5 year transition period, her way of life began to challenge my previously held, deeply rooted beliefs.
This created a huge conflict inside my mind as I had to deal with contradictory worldviews. This time period was marked with lots of heated debates and arguments between us. It was during this time, I started to question the rigidity of my earlier principles.
This phase was characterized by an inner struggle where I was seeking to strike a balance between the two schools of thoughts but it was a difficult task. I was not emotionally equipped with the bandwidth to hold contradictory thoughts and so I was in constant state of dilemma.
Reflecting on that period now, I think it was a period of catharsis that helped me grow into the next and current phase of my life. It was a challenging but transformative experience.
Phase 3: Embracing Change
Now as I navigate life in my thirties, my wife’s influence has become increasingly significant and I have come to appreciate her thought process more than ever. Her perspectives have become central to my worldview.
Her approach of embracing change and adapting to circumstances resonates deeply with me now. Unlike my father, she doesn’t explicitly talk about her value system, but over the years I come to understand it through her actions and decisions in our daily lives.
I’ll try to summarize my wife’s influences on me as follows:
- Embracing change: My wife has taught me the importance of being adaptable and flexible. She encourages embracing change rather than clinging on to rigid commitments. This approach is now helping me to navigate life’s uncertainties with greater ease. I feel I am now well equipped with the mental bandwidth necessary to face changing circumstances which I lacked during my foundation years.
- Boundaries and self-care: She emphasizes putting your own self first. Valuing your personal needs and feelings before considering others is extremely important to be happy over the long run. This shift in my thoughts has been transformative as now I am learning to draw healthier boundaries with others without having to fear damaged relationships.
- Practical decision making: In contrast to the emotional decision making encouraged by my father, my wife has taught me the importance of taking practical decisions. She has taught me to do the right thing over the good thing. I now understand that although emotional decisions might bring short-term happiness, it is the practical decisions that lead to long-term growth.
- Perseverance and resilience: I am highly inspired by my wife’s remarkable ability to persevere in the face of challenging situations. Now when I am encounter a challenging situation, I think about how would my wife deal with it. Mental resilience in the face of adversity is something I am still learning from her. Observing her approach each day with unwavering consistency and dedication has deepened my appreciation for hard work.
- Best of both worlds: My wife has always sought to get the best of both worlds in everything she does. Earlier, I struggled to appreciate this approach, viewing it as indecisiveness. This perspective was likely influenced by the rigid notions of right and wrong instilled in me by my father. However, I now recognize and value my wife’s perspective of trying to balance the good and the bad, striving to get the best out of all available options.
My wife is now the guiding force of my life and I am confident that her influence will continue to help me grow into a better person.
An example of different approaches.
Reflecting on the influences of my father and wife, I am reminded of a past incident that vividly illustrates their differing approaches.
When I finished my junior college, I was certain that I wanted to pursue computer engineering. My father and I concentrated solely on the admission process for engineering colleges, without considering any other fields at all.
In contrast, my then-girlfriend (now wife), who was also certain about pursuing a career in medicine, took a more flexible approach. She applied not only to medical colleges but also to engineering and other courses as backup options.
Looking back, it’s clear that she had a well-defined plan A, B and C. She also had open-minded approach to all options. I remember talking to her about this and she would tell me that she is keeping all her options open. At that time, I did not understand it and found it to be a futile approach as I believed in sticking to a single option no matter what.
On the other hand, interestingly I was somewhat influenced by her approach. I had a discussion with my father about whether we should also apply to colleges from other fields and he clearly answered my question by telling me that I should just stick to engineering colleges as that is what I really wanted to do and applying for other courses will only create confusion in my mind.
Merging Two Influences
In conclusion, the combined influence of my father and my wife has been instrumental in shaping who I am today. Their different thought processes have provided me with a broader perspective towards life. I am grateful to have experienced these contrasting beliefs at a young age as I can use them to guide my life further.
I have learned to acknowledge the limitations of my previous beliefs while fully embracing new ones that align with my life’s journey.On a personal level, it was a challenging journey, and I am still working on merging these two influences but I feel it is all worth it as it has helped me to deeply know myself and how to navigate life.